Life Lessons

 

I know that all expectant mothers replay the day of delivery a million times over before the big event. I was one of them, and even though in the back of my mind I knew things would most likely not be exactly the way I had planned it, I certainly did not expect the arrival we got.

 

It was the last week of June 2005 and I was 32 weeks pregnant. I had been having some pain on the lower right hand side of my stomach the past few days. Round ligament pains were something I had the pleasure of becoming quite familiar with so I thought little of this new discomfort. After a very restless night, as it was too painful to lie down for long periods of time, I knew something was up. The baby had not been moving nearly as much as I was used to so I made a quick call to the Labour and Delivery hotline at the hospital. The nurse I spoke with suggested I come in for a non-stress test, just to be on the safe side. I was my last day of work before I started my Maternity Leave so I called work just to let them know I would be a little late.  The butterflies of anxiety started to flutter and the ‘mother’s instinct’ knew there was going to be a change in plans.

 

When we got to the hospital everything started to happen so fast. I was admitted into Triage and after explaining my symptoms I was hooked up to the stress monitor and the nurse started an I.V. I had never even stepped foot in a hospital as a patient before so this was all very new. The nurse said I was dehydrated and that the baby’s heartbeat and movements were not ‘ideal’. An ultrasound was scheduled and by now I was approaching panic mode. 

 

The ultrasound technician said that the baby was looking good but agreed that the movements were not as they should be so back upstairs we went. The Doctor on call came and saw us shortly after I was back in bed. The blood results were back and my white blood cell count was off the charts. Everything I had described was leading her to believe my appendix was on the verge of rupturing. She placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “You are going to be having this baby today.” Right then and there, everything stopped. I can remember losing my breath. Having this baby today? But I am only 32 weeks pregnant, I was supposed to go full term, have a natural delivery, I am not ready to do this.

 

Immediately a nurse from the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit was at my bedside and she began to tell us everything that we could expect with a premature infant. I watched her mouth move but wasn’t listening to a word she said. I just kept thinking, the little baby I have felt move inside me is going to come out today and it isn’t time yet. I was terrified. I remember looking at the clock on the wall, it was 11:45am and as the nurses were shouting about an emergency c-section I was wheeled into the O.R. 

 

Our little girl was born at 12:03 pm, weighed 4 lbs 13 oz and was 18 inches long.  We named her Ireland Gael and she was beautiful.

 

I woke up at around 1:00pm and I felt like a truck had hit me. My husband was in the recovery room and he told me that she was doing well and the nurses in the NICU were with her. I remember asking over and over how much she weighed and if she had been crying. The feeling of waking up and not having my baby either inside me or at least near by was so surreal. I felt like I was on of those really and dreams that you can’t walk up from. I started to have a panic attack and the nurses increased the morphine and I was asleep again.

 

I finally got to meet my baby about 2 hours after she was born. I was wheeled into the NICU and was able to hold her hand amidst the tubes and wires. She was on a heart and oxygen monitor and there was a little tiny I.V. inserted on the back of her right hand. She was hooked up to the CPAP machine, which looked huge against her tiny little face.  I can only go by what I see in pictures because I really don’t remember anything. The whole experience is foggy and I have had a difficult time dealing with it all. 

 

Never did I expect for this to happen; to not be awake when our baby met the world, to not hold her immediately after she was born, to not remember the first time I looked into her eyes. I dealt with extreme feelings of guilt and anger for not being able to carry her to term. I knew that it wasn’t my fault and that the outcome could have been much worse had I not listened to the symptoms of appendicitis but I felt so cheated out of the birth I had planned and prepared for. I also felt so disconnected to her being in different parts of the hospital floor and having the nurses be her primary care givers. Though they were very encouraging of us to be with her and hold her as much as we could once she was strong and stable enough to do so, I felt like the second in line. What was really neat though was whenever I held Ireland her heart rate would improve and she would have fewer episodes of forgetting to breathe. I would hold her for hours on end whenever the nurses would permit it.

 

Ireland was in the hospital for three and a half weeks  and I had become a pro at arriving at the hospital for her 7am feeding and we would pull out of the driveway and head home around midnight. We were very fortunate of being so close to the hospital. We were willing to do whatever was needed to help our little girl grow and get stronger. We got to know some of the other Moms and Dads whose little ones were starting their lives under the Bilirubin lights and shared the same little bruises on their hands from their I.V.’s as ours did. It was the longest three weeks of my life.

 

We got the okay from her Paediatrician that Ireland could come home on a Sunday afternoon. We were so excited yet terrified to take her out of the security and safety of the NICU.   The drive home as a family was emotional and all three of us cried all the way home. Luckily we only live 3 blocks from the hospital!

 

So, as you can tell, the birth of my baby did not go as expected and dealing with that has been really tough. I have had to accept the events that did take place and as long as my daughter is here and healthy I can make peace with the way things played out. Sometimes life throws out a curveball and it is how we catch it that makes all the difference.

 

Ali Martin-Boyle